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December 2007 Along Those Lines
Santa Claus is coming to town!
For goodness sake make sure your home is ‘Santa-ized for safety!’
 NORTH POLE — With its fresh coat of green and red paint dry and termite inspection complete, Santa Claus’ famed Christmas sleigh was moved from its hangar to the icy tarmac of North Pole Runway 1 Nov. 23, beginning the official countdown to Christmas Eve.
The annual global goodwill flight of Santa Claus and his team of flying reindeer is once again scheduled for departure late Dec. 24.
As in past years, the benevolent Claus and his elves have worked hard filling the orders this year so that everyone has a “Merry Christmas.”
If you’re one of the billions worldwide expecting a visit from Santa Claus this season, the North Pole News Bureau, the official communications department of Claus Enterprises International, wants you to know there are several things you can do to make the trip more safe and pleasant for the aging ambassador of Christmas cheer.
“Each year,” said Robert Edward Michael Callahan, chief spokes-elf for NPNB, “it seems either Santa or one of the reindeer comes home ailing with something.
“We always get complaints from folks the day after Christmas about this not working, or that not fitting, or what one of the reindeer left on the lawn, but no one ever thinks about poor old Santa,” he added. “He’s a pretty jolly old guy and doesn’t like to complain, but really, he could get hurt sometime by people’s carelessness.
“We don’t wish a lawsuit on anyone,” Robbie warned, “but we’re not above slapping a big red suit on somebody if the situation merits it.”
Since most homeowner’s insurance policies do not carry a Santa clause or a reindeer rider, the NPNB suggests 10 simple precautions to avoid problems and aid Santa in his flight:
1: Make sure your house number is prominently displayed. Though Santa encourages outdoor decorations (he uses them as landing lights), you shouldn’t cover up the house number. He may know when you’re sleeping; he may know when you’re awake. But he’s not totally like the taxman; he doesn’t know where everyone lives exactly.
One year, two houses next to each other had their numbers hidden. By mistake, Santa delivered a Betty Crocker’s Cookbook to a family of Americanized cannibals. Imagine their disappointment Christmas morning to find this handy gift they couldn’t get to work since Bettys were not included.
2: Make sure the yard is clear of obstacles. In case the roof is too small, Santa lands in the backyard. Last year Prancer (don’t let the name fool you) clumsily tripped on a snow shovel and sprained a hoof.
3: Clear the chimney flue. Over the years, Santa has slid through so much soot and creosote he’s taken out black lung insurance.
4: Make sure the fire in the fireplace is out. Santa’s not as nimble as he once was and can’t jump over the smoldering logs as he did in younger years.
Santa also asks that if you have a wood stove attached to the chimney, please let him know before he goes down. A neon note on the roof would be sufficient. (Of course, Santa, a founding member of the North Pole REMC, prefers the clean efficiency of “aurora-thermal” — electric heat from plugging into the Northern Lights.)
5: Leash your pit bulldog. You don’t want to wake up Christmas morning and find Fido under the tree chewing on Santa’s trousers while Santa clings mortified to the top wearing only his boxers, do you?
6: Go to bed early or let Santa know you’ll be up late. Santa doesn’t like embarrassing himself or you by coming in on you abruptly. If you must watch late night pay-per-view channels or party late, he’ll get you on the return trip.
Hmmm ... come to think of it, if you’re the type who watches those kinds of shows or parties late, maybe Santa will be checking your name twice, anyway.
7: Leave no junk food snacks. Santa is aware of his weight problem and doesn’t appreci- ate the temptation. Well-washed carrot sticks or celery for the reindeer would be welcomed.
8: Leave no alcoholic drinks, not even eggnog with rum. Mrs. Claus asks this specifically. After partaking of just several thousand of the swigs left out for him by well-meaning hosts, Santa loses all sense of direction. Two years ago, it took two AWACS and a troop of Brownies to track him down.
He was finally found near a Woonsocket, R.I., Wal-Mart. It seems Santa misplaced his reindeer and was keeping company with a Salvation Army bellringer, some hot-shot college philosophy major, who convinced the frazzled Santa that flying reindeer and Santa Claus don’t really exist (which can sure give a fella an identity crisis … especially if he’s Santa!).
9: For your protection, Santa carries his company identification card. For Santa’s protection, jealous husbands and overly-protective parents are advised to ask to see this ID card before shooting should you catch a man who claims he’s Santa kissing the missus or your 18-year-old daughter underneath the mistletoe.
10: Santa does not drive a rusty Ford pickup. Santa wants police on the night shift to be aware of this — just in case there are any red-suited burglars out there thinking they’ve hit upon the perfect “modus operandi.”
By following these simple suggestions, you will not only be assuring the safety of the jolly old guy and his reindeer, but, who knows, you may also find a little something extra in your stocking Christmas morning from the appreciative old man. Everyone wants a safe and Merry Christmas, even Santa!
Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for 2008!
Written by Richard G. Biever, senior editor of Electric Consumer. This story originally appeared in the December 1990 issue of Electric Consumer.
Written By: eceditor
Date Posted: 11/29/2007
Number of Views: 183
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